Survival

Five weeks away from my family – the longest time I’ve ever spent away from them, and home. My adventure was to Edinburgh, working for Underbelly during the Fringe.

I didn’t think I would be able to cope, the day before I left I went to the doctor and was prescribed beta blockers – I think these were partly my saviour through the month.

My other, greater saviour was the people – as a whole. Each and every person that I met during my time at the Fringe were in some way important to my survival.

I spent the majority of the first 3 weeks wanting to go home, and the rest in a state of mild depressive hole, but each day someone would unintentionally make me feel less scared, and less alone.

Looking back on my experience, the people were definitely the highlight. Sure, I saw a few amazing shows, but they wouldn’t have been enough to stop me giving in and crumpling. They became a kind of family – which is the only way I can think of to describe it, but I did see these people almost every day for 5 weeks.

 

So, in conclusion; to all the people I met during Fringe (and there are a lot of you in various capacities and contexts) – Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you.

I’m a liar.

I lie. I lie all the time. I’m a big, fat liar. 

I lie when I tell people I miss them. 
I lie when I tell people I’m looking forward to seeing them. 
I lie when I tell people I’m OK. 
I lie when I tell people I’m happy for them. 

I lie because I think that’s what people want to hear. 
I lie because I think people are lying to me. 

People tell me they care about me, but I find it so hard to believe that I’m worth anyone’s time. 

I try to push people away, while simultaneously lying to keep them around.

I’m scared of being hurt by other people, so I hurt myself instead. 

I don’t lie to hurt anyone. If I wanted to hurt people I would know exactly the words to say – which is the worst power a person can have over another. Much worse than physical pain. 

If I lie to you, it means I need you to stick around. It’s like I’m double bluffing myself. I can’t feel the feelings, but maybe they’re masked by pain. 

This isn’t anyone’s fault except mine – I lie to myself as well.

I need help, but I’m too scared to get any. 

I’m scared of people reading this, because it’s the most honest thing I think I’ve said for a long time. 

Leaving College

It’s like a Team Tech 13-15 Love Fest going on all over my Facebook right now, but I’m still so in denial I can’t cry.

Here’s to the best group of people I have ever, EVER met in my entire life. Having always wanted a group of friends to call my own, instead of trying to fit into a pre-formed one, I’ve finally achieved that. It’s the best feeling in the world, having people who completely accept you as you are, and are just as comfortable around you.

Charlie – You are extraordinary. You are so talented, and kind, and beautiful. You may not feel that you have been part of our little friendship group, but I can assure you that you were always welcome, and always will be. These last 2 years would not have been anything at all the same without you. I can’t /wait/ to see how your future pans out.

Liam – I cannot imagine life without your ridiculous ideas, but I am so glad that I know someone as weirdly creative as you are. I don’t think you really know what you want to do with your life, yet, but that’s ok – you still have time.

Jamie – I am so glad that we’ve grown closer this year, as I barely remember speaking to you at all last year – it’s quite likely. You are such a brilliant person, and I am so glad to call you a friend – even if you do tickle me and lick me. EUGH!

Bex – You can be a pain in the backside at times, but I am so proud of how far you’ve come over the last 2 years. You may not realise it, but you have grown so much and I’m glad to have been part of that.

Alisha – Two years ago I was scared about being 23 and starting a course that might be full of 16 year olds – little did I know that I would become best friends with the youngest in the group within a matter of months. If you had not been there in this last two years, I literally don’t think I could have managed. You may be 8 years younger than me, but you are so much more mature than I am (most of the time). I can’t even begin to describe how much you mean to me (platonically, Liam, don’t be getting ideas), and I can’t wait to watch your career progress in whichever direction it goes. You are completely my friend-soul mate, and I downright refuse to ever lose you.

Denise – Not only have you taught me about stage management and the necessary things for the course, but you have taught me that it’s possible for me to be what I want to be if I put my mind to it (I just need to remember that). I will always be grateful for the tons of support you have given to me over these last two years – and I will treasure it forever.

Paul – You have also believed is me over the last 2 years. You didn’t belittle me for almost having a breakdown while I was lighting designer for dance, and I got through it without crying too much. “I AM CREATIVE.”

Joe – You are the grumpiest person I know (not including myself). You make me laugh so hard, but you’re always there with a helping hand. I’m sorry that your quad is broken, but I promise that it was not my fault!

Colin – I haven’t decided whether I will miss your music or not… You amuse me, but not always for the right reasons.

Directors one and all – I can’t believe you let us lot work on your shows – are you all completely bonkers? Well, the answer is yes. I am so honored to have been part of your shows over the last 2 years, and I’ve had so much fun I can’t even begin to express with words. I love each and every one of you, and can’t wait to see what you come up with in the future. I will always have time for you all, and will do anything I can to aid your future shows in anyway I can (I am a pretty mean DSM when there’s no vomit involved… ;])

I haven’t the foggiest idea how I’m going to survive without seeing your wonderful faces every day, and it feels down right wrong that we won’t be together all the time in the upcoming future.
I know that I will be able to count on you all in the future, because we’ve been through the most testing times over the last 2 years (mostly during show season.)
I love you all to the edge of the galaxy and back; you have made, and continue to make, me who I am.

Mel
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Trapped

I’m currently sat in front of my computer trying to hold back more tears than are already falling down my face. This last week has been great, but overwhelming. Everything seems to have happened at once, and my brain can’t process it.

What my brain /is/ doing, however, is telling me that I’m worthless, useless and unwanted. It’s taking things personally that it really shouldn’t need to.

If you’ve never suffered from anxiety, with depressive tendencies, (or other mental illnesses) then you probably aren’t aware just how much pain your brain alone can put you through. Your own brain.

When I’m at my worst, it feels like my heart is being literally squeezed tightly, trying to stop itself from beating. Ironically, it’s these times that I wish it would stop beating and just let me go.

It’s not necessarily about wanting to die, it’s about no longer wishing to exist. It’s also not always about the person who’s suffering, but about the people around them. When it feels like people don’t care/like/have time for you, then you feel like you’d be doing everyone a favour by just not being around. You forget that there are people who love you, and will most definitely miss you.

It’s hard trying to remember that you are important to a few people, when all you can think about is the majority. How tiny you are in this huge world, when to some people you play a big part of their life.

 

There was a TV programme I watched this week about Superfans, and I realised that a lot of people who go around meeting celebrities just want to get noticed. They most likely think that meeting celebrities, and having them become aware of you, makes you feel higher up in the world – as if well-known humans are a way to become known by more people in the world. I think we all do that in varying levels – not many people don’t get excited by meeting a celebrity, even if it’s not someone they’re necessarily a fan of.

 

Loneliness sucks.

My NSDF Experience – The Run Up.

NSDF, if you don’t know, is the acronym for ‘National Student Drama Festival’ – a renowned festival promoting theatre produced, performed, and/or written by students all over the UK.

 

I first became aware of the festival when ideastap posted a volunteer position on the Technical Team for the festival. I read through the description and was ultimately put off by the price you have to pay to do it (for accommodation, food, and a festival pass). A month or less before the festival was to happen, an email came through, via ideastap, saying that more members were needed for the team, and to email the Technical Director for further information. It didn’t take me a second to realise that I had to do this – it did mean asking my parents for the money, but they understood that this would be beneficial to me. When I get excited about things these days, then you know it’s serious.

I filled in the application form, and 2 days later heard back that I’d been accepted onto the team. I had 3 weeks to prepare – mentally, more so than anything, but I needed to buy steel toe caps.

I admit that I didn’t really think about the festival much (except for writing, what seemed like, a thousand emails to the TD about various things – I blame anxiety) for the upcoming weeks, until it was 2 days before leaving and I had to think about packing. Nothing specific in terms of clothing, except to be aware that you’d be working hard each day, and that there was an Awards evening/party at the end of the week. I didn’t actually pack until the day before, and on the day, but that’s neither here nor there.

The day came. It was time for me to head to Scarborough, which is literally on the opposite side of the country from me, and meet about 60 new people. A terrifying concept to a shy introvert with anxiety.

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Busy week.

First of all, I’d like to apologise for not posting all week. I mentioned that I was going away, and that I did.

I spent 3 days, and a bit, in London, then 2 days in Bedford. Very different feels to each part of my trip away, but equally fun and relaxing.

I’m so thankful to have the friends that I do, even if some of them live far away. I don’t see them often, but it doesn’t make a difference to our friendship.

My time in London included 3 different shows at the theatre – all plays, not one musical. I’m getting better. I shall talk more bout these shows in the upcoming posts – gives me something to post then, doesn’t it? 😀

Bedford was completely different. The day I got there my friend and I just watch TV and some films. I kept almost falling asleep, but I just about managed to stay awake. Have Papa Johns for tea – they do a really delicious, large, hot cookie. Mmmmm. Gooey inside, crunchy outside. The next day, we went into Bedford town – I bought a few things. A DS charger for £1 being the bargain of the year – now just to find my DS.

My train journey home was difficult. I started to feel sick on the train from Bedford to London – I was shaking for about half an hour. I was relatively OK once I was off, though, however it’s been up and down since.

Now I am home, and should probably get some college work done, because I haven’t finished any of it… *slaps hand*

 

Bye, for now.

Mel

Change of hair.

I mentioned at the end of yesterday’s post that I had dye in my hair – well, this is the result post.

 

Don’t forget that I mentioned a “peacock theme”, well…

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It’s less ‘peacock’, and more ‘macaw’. I’m not complaining, I’m just glad it turned out as nice as it did. I love it.

 

 

Tomorrow, for me, is a day of travel and stress. I’m heading off down south until next Monday. First visiting London, then on Saturday I am transferring to Bedford.

I can’t wait to see all the friends I’ll be seeing, but I am, as per usual, nervous as hell. Hopefully I’ll get sleep tonight – my sleeping pattern is a mess, so probably not.

I’ll post again tomorrow, letting y’all know how I coped. :]

 

 

Laters, chums.

Mel out.

Day out.

I went on a little afternoon trip today on the train. I fort stopped of in Liverpool to get some hair dye, also bought a nail varnish and then used my Boots card points to get a beautiful new red lipstick.

Then I headed off to Southport and met up with my friend Alisha. We wondered around, went I to a few shops. I bought a battery operated pencil sharpener… We also went to the end of the pier and back, had some chips and even candyfloss. All in all, a nice day.

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I’m now sat, playing Kingdom Hearts II, with hair dye in – my theme this time over is Peacock.
Goodness knows how it’s actually going to turn out, but that will be revealed tomorrow.

Laters, chums.
Mel out.

Time to get cracking.

I’ve had quite a nice Christmas time, but I have hardly done any of my assignments for college from the Winter term. Dreadful, I know.

So, now that all the festivities are over, it’s about time I sat my ass down and got some done.

I started by making a to-do list, which I have stuck on the wall, by my door, in my bedroom.

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It looks like quite a lot, but I think it will actually be less work than I keep thinking.

I go away for a week on Tuesday, so I need to get a lot of this done before then.

Wish me luck, eh?

 

Later, chums.

Mel out.

Lake District – January, 2015