Archive for Wednesday, 11th September 2013

Today’s thoughts.

I had been reading McFly’s autobiography over the last four nights – they’ve been my favourite band for 10 years, so I was bound to read it eventually. I was reading the chapters in which Tom writes about his life with, and diagnosis of, bipolar disorder. The chapter following is all about Dougie’s drug and alcohol addiction and the beginning of his life in recovery. It is so shocking to read about how one of the guys in your favourite band had tried to commit suicide. It’s really eye-opening, especially as his addictions began when he was 17 – that’s 2 years into the band, including on tour. Scary thinking that I’ve seen him performing on stage, putting on as brave a face as he can, while inside he’s broken.

I can’t express how proud I am of them for opening up about their devastations – it is really hard, especially when you’re writing it in a book which will be read by all of your fans (I imagine). If I ever meet them and burst into tears, it will be because I am so glad that they are alive, well and happy.

Never take anyone for granted, because you don’t know what could be happening in their lives.

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On a lighter note, it was my second day in college, today – only half a day, as we’re still in the induction week.

Starting with an early morning, I was feeling bit anxious – less so than my enrollment day and yesterday, anyway. I haven’t yet mentioned my anxiety to my tutor, but I feel I should at some point.

We spent the morning with a class of first year Drama students and their tutor – who is a huge Doctor fan and completely mental, so I like him.

The drama students were given three lines to interpret however they chose and we (the ‘techies’) had to add some lighting and sound. It was quite daunting, as most of us had never done it before, but it was fun.

I am going to have to work my hardest when it comes to design – be it set, lights or sound. I think I will find it the most difficult, but hopefully I will find a way to work around it.

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I realised last night that my anxiety is at a very low point, at the moment. Some of the thoughts I am having are full of fear of being out of the house 3 days a week. It doesn’t sound like much, but I am so used to being at home and feeling safe (as safe as I can feel in a house that I don’t feel comfortable in).

I can also tell, because I am going away for two weekend, from the one after next, and I am absolutely bricking it. I am so worried. Usually, when I go to London, I am calm enough, but this feels very different. I think about it, my heart pounds and I feel like crying.

I’m scared of living – how is that possible?

 

I think my next post is going to be about, what I find to be, the most debilitating element of having anxiety.

Mel 1 – 0 Anxiety

Despite being calm this morning, I began to panic as I got closer to college. I almost couldn’t get out of the car. Thankfully, it’s been a relaxed day of reading sheets of information. Hopefully, I will be able to settle down relatively quickly.

I won’t need to buy any black clothes for another few weeks, but that will be interesting – the only black clothing I own are socks, tights, a pair of converse and my work tops.

So far, I’ve coped and I’m getting a bit more excited about it – although, I am doubting my abilities, as I haven’t done anything like it before.

 

Here’s to having a future.

Anxiety

Me-LakeWindermere

This is a post that has crossed my mind many times, but I’ve never been brave enough to write it. I don’t assume it will be in any particular in order, more me trying to write down thoughts as they come, so bear with me. Anyway, here goes:

 

I have had anxiety for coming on 7 years, although I did not know it was anxiety until about a year ago. That’s not including the, what I would call, depression I had from 13.

It’s not easy to begin a post like this, so I’ll start with this link – to which I can relate to all 7 points:

Seven things sufferers of Anxiety would like you to know.

I won’t lie – anxiety sucks. It really sucks. A lot of tasks that are supposed to be easy are made 10x worse. I’m not the worst case, nowhere near, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real.

Some of my friends know of my anxiety, some may not know; others may be aware, but not to what extent.

There are days – relatively few and far between – that I find it too difficult to find the motivation to get out of bed and brush my teeth. I’m still able to do it every day, for which I am thankful, but it takes a lot of effort.

I’ve had panic attacks. I can remember my first – it was back in December 2006, while on the way to buy a Christmas tree, of all things.

One of the most recent things I have realised, about my anxiety, is that I hold on to things that make me happy. While being able to find things that make me happy is a good thing, not being able to ‘get over them’ quickly isn’t healthy. It only drags me down later on. It’s not that I need to forget them, but file them and move on to the next thing. For example, I recently worked on a residential and I had an amazing time. I was enjoying myself so much that I hardly noticed my anxiety – it was wonderful. However, after buzzing off it for 2 weeks I hit a wall and slid right down it. I’ve spent the last few days mostly blank faced, down and, subsequently, grumpy.

Which brings me on to change. I deal with change very badly, in fact I don’t deal with change at all. I moved house last December and I haven’t, yet, come to terms with it. Even something as small and insignificant as spoons can be a big deal to me (we’ve recently bought new cutlery and I’ve requested to keep 4 spoons, because they’re my favourites…).

I start college on Tuesday and I’m absolutely terrified. Enrolling on Friday took a lot out of me. Not only is it a big change, it also means a lot of new people. I should be looking forward to it, but instead I am absolutely dreading it – to the point of regretting applying in the first place.

 

Here’s the big hitter – I’m ashamed. (Wow, that hurt.) Although I’ve admitted to my anxiety enough to be seeing a counsellor; I am still in denial, to an extent. I don’t understand why I feel like I do, I hurt people around me without meaning to and I shy away from things I’d like to do.

 

Enough for now. Sorry for the blunt ending, but maybe I’ll write more on the subject, at another time.