Archive for Sunday, 20th July 2014

I’m a hypocrite, but I’m working on it.

I’ve been finding it really difficult figuring out how to word this post, so I’ve decided just to type and hope I get my point across.

This post goes almost hand-in-hand with my ‘Quick Realisation‘ one from 10 days ago.

There are so many times when I’ve been worried about doing something, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m weird. It happens a lot – I’m constantly worrying what people think about me. However, there are also the times where I don’t mind doing something, even though someone else, just before me, has refused to do it. I am going to focus on these times.

I like to have fun, I don’t mind getting dirty or completely soaked. I think it’s the tomboy in me. As usual, whether I do something depends on how I’m feeling that day.

 

A few examples – 2 from 8 years ago, 2 more recent:

  • There are fountains in the centre of Liverpool. They were on during the Easter holidays, and a male friend and I decided we wanted to run through them and get drenched. My female friend with us that day, didn’t want to. I don’t know why she didn’t want to, and I didn’t judge her for it, either.
  • Jumping in to the docks, fully clothed. It’s something silly, but so much fun. I had no change of clothes, but what did I care? Apparently nothing.
  • Sitting on someone’s knee, even though they were half joking about it. Everyone else shied away from the offer – but there was no bench space left, so I accepted. Admittedly, I held most of my weight on my legs.
  • Hugging someone who is sticky from a performance they had been doing. Again, something that the others avoided doing. It didn’t bother me, why should it? I got called a ‘good sport’ for it, which made me wonder why I would be worried about doing it.

The person asked and initiated the situation – why, then, would they think you’re weird for accepting. Even if they were half-joking, wouldn’t they feel better for your acceptance of their joke, and consequently them?

Am I trying to impress? I don’t think so, although I suppose it could be a subconscious thing.

Is this what confidence feels like? Because I don’t feel confident most of the time.

 

My next point is about the people (though I mostly aim this at the girls) I go to college with – the vast majority of whom are a few years younger than me.

I started college worrying how I was going to separate my controlled work self, from my own self. I have a dirty mind, I laugh at inappropriate things and I’m a bit hyperactive and crazy at times.

The job I do outside of college involves working with young people, being a role model – setting a good example of how to be. I am an adult, they are in my care.

The way I’ve learned to portray myself around the young people I work with has definitely leaked into how I am at college. Not in the sense of ‘being in charge’ or how I act around them (I wouldn’t have a fulfilling experience, if I acted that way) – basically, if I were to act the same around the young people I work with, as I do with my friends in college who are only a year or so older, then it would be deemed inappropriate and I would no doubt be fired.

It has leaked into how I feel I should support them – if they say something down about themselves I will try and make a comment opposing their thoughts, to try and make them feel like it’s OK. They are allowed to feel abnormal sometimes, because why would anyone want to be ‘normal’ – life is much more fun when you’re laughing and having fun in your own creative way. I’m not saying these people aren’t confident, but I’m hoping that they feel the support I’m giving them.

I don’t do this because I feel obliged to, I do it because these people are worth everything. They deserve to be confident, because they are awesome people.

I want everyone I know in college, and out, to know that they are worth the effort to be supported.

 

This is where the hypocrite side comes in.

I’m not going to lie – I pretty much hate myself, most of the time. I don’t feel I deserve people around me. Why would anyone want to be my friend/in a relationship with me (the latter bothers me less these days, hurts more when it hits me)? It baffles me greatly.

I don’t easily take it in when I’m supported, but I’m going to work on it.

New camera lens.

Quick realisation.

I do a theatre technology and stage management course in college; a good chunk of this course involves becoming a production team with my fellow course students, and putting on shows.

Shows mean actors (and dancers, but this is less so about them). Actors are, generally, outwardly confident people, who are comfortable to show their real personalities in any situation.

So, I hear you ask, what is this realisation mentioned in the title of this post?

The realisation came to me, having spent the majority of the last 3 months around actors – even befriending some of them – last night in a matter of moments.

 

It is that it is easier to accept someone for their ‘weirdness’, if that is how you know them from the beginning.

 

Basically, if you are yourself with someone from as early on in the new relationship as possible, then you are less likely to think someone is strange when they come out of their shells. Having said that, it’s always exciting to see someone feel able to be themselves around you.

You should know – I didn’t make this realisation by the way people treated me, but more from the way I thought of those who were being themselves around me. I didn’t care. In fact, I wouldn’t have them any other way, because that’s not how I know them now.

I am a very shy person – some people are surprised to ‘learn’ this (I realise that someone ‘learning’ that I’m shy seems against my point of being shy, but it depends whether they’re looking into my friendship with someone else, or talking to me first hand), so I find it difficult to talk to people and not seem like some a-hole. I’m not saying that this realisation is going to change my being shy, but it’s nice to know that I’m not alone.

 

I’m not alone.

I’m not the only person who laughs at even the tiniest innuendo.

I’m not the only person who gets grumpy (and a little mean) when tired, but copes with everyone else being the same back.

(I’m not the only person who can’t think of more examples, because my brain is fried.)

 

 

Thank you to everyone who helped me come to this realisation, and I hope that you are in my life for years to come.