Archive for Tuesday, 7th July 2015

I’m a liar.

I lie. I lie all the time. I’m a big, fat liar. 

I lie when I tell people I miss them. 
I lie when I tell people I’m looking forward to seeing them. 
I lie when I tell people I’m OK. 
I lie when I tell people I’m happy for them. 

I lie because I think that’s what people want to hear. 
I lie because I think people are lying to me. 

People tell me they care about me, but I find it so hard to believe that I’m worth anyone’s time. 

I try to push people away, while simultaneously lying to keep them around.

I’m scared of being hurt by other people, so I hurt myself instead. 

I don’t lie to hurt anyone. If I wanted to hurt people I would know exactly the words to say – which is the worst power a person can have over another. Much worse than physical pain. 

If I lie to you, it means I need you to stick around. It’s like I’m double bluffing myself. I can’t feel the feelings, but maybe they’re masked by pain. 

This isn’t anyone’s fault except mine – I lie to myself as well.

I need help, but I’m too scared to get any. 

I’m scared of people reading this, because it’s the most honest thing I think I’ve said for a long time. 

Leaving College

It’s like a Team Tech 13-15 Love Fest going on all over my Facebook right now, but I’m still so in denial I can’t cry.

Here’s to the best group of people I have ever, EVER met in my entire life. Having always wanted a group of friends to call my own, instead of trying to fit into a pre-formed one, I’ve finally achieved that. It’s the best feeling in the world, having people who completely accept you as you are, and are just as comfortable around you.

Charlie – You are extraordinary. You are so talented, and kind, and beautiful. You may not feel that you have been part of our little friendship group, but I can assure you that you were always welcome, and always will be. These last 2 years would not have been anything at all the same without you. I can’t /wait/ to see how your future pans out.

Liam – I cannot imagine life without your ridiculous ideas, but I am so glad that I know someone as weirdly creative as you are. I don’t think you really know what you want to do with your life, yet, but that’s ok – you still have time.

Jamie – I am so glad that we’ve grown closer this year, as I barely remember speaking to you at all last year – it’s quite likely. You are such a brilliant person, and I am so glad to call you a friend – even if you do tickle me and lick me. EUGH!

Bex – You can be a pain in the backside at times, but I am so proud of how far you’ve come over the last 2 years. You may not realise it, but you have grown so much and I’m glad to have been part of that.

Alisha – Two years ago I was scared about being 23 and starting a course that might be full of 16 year olds – little did I know that I would become best friends with the youngest in the group within a matter of months. If you had not been there in this last two years, I literally don’t think I could have managed. You may be 8 years younger than me, but you are so much more mature than I am (most of the time). I can’t even begin to describe how much you mean to me (platonically, Liam, don’t be getting ideas), and I can’t wait to watch your career progress in whichever direction it goes. You are completely my friend-soul mate, and I downright refuse to ever lose you.

Denise – Not only have you taught me about stage management and the necessary things for the course, but you have taught me that it’s possible for me to be what I want to be if I put my mind to it (I just need to remember that). I will always be grateful for the tons of support you have given to me over these last two years – and I will treasure it forever.

Paul – You have also believed is me over the last 2 years. You didn’t belittle me for almost having a breakdown while I was lighting designer for dance, and I got through it without crying too much. “I AM CREATIVE.”

Joe – You are the grumpiest person I know (not including myself). You make me laugh so hard, but you’re always there with a helping hand. I’m sorry that your quad is broken, but I promise that it was not my fault!

Colin – I haven’t decided whether I will miss your music or not… You amuse me, but not always for the right reasons.

Directors one and all – I can’t believe you let us lot work on your shows – are you all completely bonkers? Well, the answer is yes. I am so honored to have been part of your shows over the last 2 years, and I’ve had so much fun I can’t even begin to express with words. I love each and every one of you, and can’t wait to see what you come up with in the future. I will always have time for you all, and will do anything I can to aid your future shows in anyway I can (I am a pretty mean DSM when there’s no vomit involved… ;])

I haven’t the foggiest idea how I’m going to survive without seeing your wonderful faces every day, and it feels down right wrong that we won’t be together all the time in the upcoming future.
I know that I will be able to count on you all in the future, because we’ve been through the most testing times over the last 2 years (mostly during show season.)
I love you all to the edge of the galaxy and back; you have made, and continue to make, me who I am.

Mel
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