Today’s thoughts.

I had been reading McFly’s autobiography over the last four nights – they’ve been my favourite band for 10 years, so I was bound to read it eventually. I was reading the chapters in which Tom writes about his life with, and diagnosis of, bipolar disorder. The chapter following is all about Dougie’s drug and alcohol addiction and the beginning of his life in recovery. It is so shocking to read about how one of the guys in your favourite band had tried to commit suicide. It’s really eye-opening, especially as his addictions began when he was 17 – that’s 2 years into the band, including on tour. Scary thinking that I’ve seen him performing on stage, putting on as brave a face as he can, while inside he’s broken.

I can’t express how proud I am of them for opening up about their devastations – it is really hard, especially when you’re writing it in a book which will be read by all of your fans (I imagine). If I ever meet them and burst into tears, it will be because I am so glad that they are alive, well and happy.

Never take anyone for granted, because you don’t know what could be happening in their lives.

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On a lighter note, it was my second day in college, today – only half a day, as we’re still in the induction week.

Starting with an early morning, I was feeling bit anxious – less so than my enrollment day and yesterday, anyway. I haven’t yet mentioned my anxiety to my tutor, but I feel I should at some point.

We spent the morning with a class of first year Drama students and their tutor – who is a huge Doctor fan and completely mental, so I like him.

The drama students were given three lines to interpret however they chose and we (the ‘techies’) had to add some lighting and sound. It was quite daunting, as most of us had never done it before, but it was fun.

I am going to have to work my hardest when it comes to design – be it set, lights or sound. I think I will find it the most difficult, but hopefully I will find a way to work around it.

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I realised last night that my anxiety is at a very low point, at the moment. Some of the thoughts I am having are full of fear of being out of the house 3 days a week. It doesn’t sound like much, but I am so used to being at home and feeling safe (as safe as I can feel in a house that I don’t feel comfortable in).

I can also tell, because I am going away for two weekend, from the one after next, and I am absolutely bricking it. I am so worried. Usually, when I go to London, I am calm enough, but this feels very different. I think about it, my heart pounds and I feel like crying.

I’m scared of living – how is that possible?

 

I think my next post is going to be about, what I find to be, the most debilitating element of having anxiety.

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