Trapped

I’m currently sat in front of my computer trying to hold back more tears than are already falling down my face. This last week has been great, but overwhelming. Everything seems to have happened at once, and my brain can’t process it.

What my brain /is/ doing, however, is telling me that I’m worthless, useless and unwanted. It’s taking things personally that it really shouldn’t need to.

If you’ve never suffered from anxiety, with depressive tendencies, (or other mental illnesses) then you probably aren’t aware just how much pain your brain alone can put you through. Your own brain.

When I’m at my worst, it feels like my heart is being literally squeezed tightly, trying to stop itself from beating. Ironically, it’s these times that I wish it would stop beating and just let me go.

It’s not necessarily about wanting to die, it’s about no longer wishing to exist. It’s also not always about the person who’s suffering, but about the people around them. When it feels like people don’t care/like/have time for you, then you feel like you’d be doing everyone a favour by just not being around. You forget that there are people who love you, and will most definitely miss you.

It’s hard trying to remember that you are important to a few people, when all you can think about is the majority. How tiny you are in this huge world, when to some people you play a big part of their life.

 

There was a TV programme I watched this week about Superfans, and I realised that a lot of people who go around meeting celebrities just want to get noticed. They most likely think that meeting celebrities, and having them become aware of you, makes you feel higher up in the world – as if well-known humans are a way to become known by more people in the world. I think we all do that in varying levels – not many people don’t get excited by meeting a celebrity, even if it’s not someone they’re necessarily a fan of.

 

Loneliness sucks.

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